chemoschmemo · prognosis · round 5 · valentine's

Blah, It’s Valentine’s

It’s Friday!  Hallelujah!  Trent’s been in Brackenridge for Round 5 this whole week, but will be home tomorrow – maybe!  Just in time for Valentine’s Day – the world’s dumbest holiday.  I spent my day sitting in a classroom full of Mylar, rustley tissue paper and knock-off Victoria’s Secret perfume.

This round, just like every round, is worst than the last.  He has days where it’s difficult to pick up his head or open his eyes.  We’ve hesitated in sharing this information. Actually, I was told by my husband that if anybody wanted to know what happened with him at the doctor they would ask.  Ok.  Well, what do I do with that?  I guess I just trudge around, afraid to freak people out (which happened at work, but more on that later) and hang on to what I see as horrible information.  Trent’s cancer is holding steady and the chemo “might” be breaking the big tumor down on the inside, but we don’t know for sure.  His lungs look like a starry night sky on the screen and we were told that it likely won’t get much better than it is right now.  Oh, really?  Wonderful. So we’ll just wait.  Dammitt.  I swear that’s all we do.  Wait for a phone call, wait for results, wait for appointments and prescriptions and wait for sick and cough.  Will he vomit this time?  Wait.  Was that diarrhea?  Wait.  Is he awake yet?  Wait.  Will he get up with us today?  Wait.  Are you hungry yet?  No, wait. 

Anyway,  he’s in for 7 days this time.  There is a shot called Neulasta that boosts white blood cells and he normally gets it 2 days after chemo, but after many calls and lots of asking Trent is going to be able to have someone pick the shot up for him on Monday so he doesn’t have to schlep back up to Shiver’s (the cancer center) 1 day after chemo.  It really will be great.  However, as it is with this stupid-ass cancer, things never go as expected and now we can’t get a hold of the powers that be.  Which means, you guessed it, more waiting.  I don’t doubt that it will come through though and he’ll be home by Sunday.

I missed a lot of work over the past couple of weeks with the loss of my uncle for whom my mom was caretaker, and Trent being pretty sick.  Lily and I went to the hospital to see my uncle before he died.  He was being kept in ICU with a DNR and my mom had to make the painful and difficult decision to remove him from life support.  As I saw him laying in the bed, raggedly breathing, swollen and unresponsive I could only think two things.  No human being should ever have to “live” this way and I never want to have to see Trent like this.  I know I want to make all of the moments count and I’m so afraid I’m going to miss something or not be there when I need to be.  My school has been wonderful through everything but I do have a job, and a pretty serious one.  I got a call from HR today suggesting that I seriously think about taking an extended leave of absence – unpaid.  I can still keep our benefits as long as I pay for them.  We don’t think it’s time for this yet, so I’ll continue to be conflicted daily about where the hell I need to be.   Everyone keeps saying that I need to just do what’s right for you and what’s right for your family, but what is that?!  Answer that question for me please of you don’t mind!  I get the definite impression that it is going to be somewhat frowned upon it I take anymore days.  RAHHHHHH!

We’ve actually come up with the best solution to our problems.  We’ll just go on Ellen, or Oprah will hear about our story and give us buckets and buckets of money!  Problem solved – one at least.

Oh, remember I said I freaked a couple of people out at work.  Well, I gave the people that need to know the following information that was given to us via Dr. Shiver’s.  Trent’s cancer is incurable (we have already been told that) and he gave us a chart that kind of summed up what is supposed to be the next 5 years of our lives.  It was broken down like this:

I originally included a bunch of stupid completely negative statistics and then I remembered I know little people who have access to technology and this might not be the best avenue to receive such information.  So, I’ll leave you with this – we need to enjoy everyday and it’s pretty important that Trent finish chemo regardless of how sick it makes him.  I say this because there are some people who seem to have withdrawn from him some, but now is not the time for that.  Be there for him the best way you know how because this time is important.

As always, thank you for reading. 

Happy Valentine’s Day, you dumb lovers! 

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