If there is one thing that Satan will use to hunt me down relentlessly its failure, and he is on me today. It usually begins with feeling like I’ve accomplished a lot, only to be followed by all that I have not done. The have-not-domes ring so loudly in my ear, like someone playing the piccolo at its most shrill until I’m beaten into submission and literally need my blankey. I did not get a 1st of school picture for Lily. I did not buy her new converse for her uniform – we washed the ones she already had – correction, she washed them. I did not buy two of the same toy this morning at Target while getting things for Sabrinna’s apartment resulting in World War III between Irish twins. I was reminded of this when I took said toys out and play commenced. Coley lost an entire shoe at that store this morning as well. I did not make it to Roly Pollies to pick up my Yeti cup that all the young flippers are coveting that I left there 3 weeks ago. I did not get Lily’s physical done and we will have to do it this afternoon after she gets out of school, which only increases her anxiety…because of me. I did not take my vitamin. I did not eat breakfast. I did not. I am not. I am not a teacher anymore. I am not going to work trade today because I need a break. I might not go to yoga tonight for the same reason. I am. I am sick. I am sad. I am sad because my life is no longer like everyone else’s. I am unsure of what the next few minutes will hold for us. I am tired. I am tired of feeling alone in this, knowing that loved ones try to understand, but do not. I am tired of holding things together. I am tired of being the go-between. I am tired of putting myself last and not realizing that I am doing that. I am tired of having to make really really hard decisions that no one I know is having to make. I am tired of seeing my husband change. I am tired of seeing my husband, my children and our parents in pain. I am going to hug my soft brown blankey and hope nothing goes terribly awry as I rest and hope for better days tomorrow. I know that God is in control. Please, I don’t need that reminder. I am faithful. I am also tired.
So, I’ll say this – Satan, you can suck it. Even acknowledging you is giving you way too much credit.
Thank you, Lord, for today, even though it sucks, I will be glad in it. I was able to provide for my babies, though many cannot. I was able to kiss my husband this morning, though many cannot. I was able to put in dry, clean clothes this morning, though many cannot. I CAN eat, though I did not. I know you, Lord, though many do not. Although my heart is sad, it is also grateful. Thank you.